I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Are my feet made of real feet?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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