On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
