I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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