god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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