I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
