I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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