New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
