dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
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Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
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I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.