did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
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we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
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My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.