it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk