My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
