Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
