my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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