i wish my penis had a tongue
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
