I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My ATM looks so different sober.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
