If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
