that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
