Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
