I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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