Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
