I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it wasn't lemon gatorade
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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