I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
