she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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