It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
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Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
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He's a Shit stain on my heart
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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