Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
