I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He felt like a one man threesome
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
