The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
