Dude my mom stole all your condoms
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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