How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
