The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
