ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
