I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
