I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You made out with two different species that night
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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