my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My pussy is not your playground.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
