I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
