just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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