Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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