Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
