FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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