I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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