Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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