put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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