you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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