the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
