I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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