I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
