Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
