Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just gargled with NyQuil
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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