My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
