i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
