3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.