He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
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Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.