How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You have to summon your inner elephant
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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