Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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