She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
