I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
