tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
