I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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