I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize