some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Sorry about my life...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
