I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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