Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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