Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
