Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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